"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein
borrowed this quote from my friend Jana's FB profile this morning...
pretty much it sums up a lot of what has been on my heart the last couple of days.
Recently, I was told "Well, it wasn't your dream to stay home with the kids."
to say this hit me hard, would be putting things into the perspective above.
Let me clarify:
well before Eric and I had Kyan, we had made the decision to have me stay home with our kids. It was what we both wanted and what I was dreaming of being able to do for our family. I was so excited!! counting down the days!!
Then came Kyan. At first, it was perfect - I made it through labor, delivery, and even day 1.
I was so ready to come home and be a mommy :)
Then we came home, and (yes, feeling like I have earned the right to say) life as we knew, hoped, dreamed fell apart. Emotionally, I was a mess.
Night 1 of being home, we discovered Ky's bump
Day 2 breastfeeding going poorly, latch - what's that?!?!
Day 2 evening Eric gone to video a wedding, home with my parents, exhausted & very sore
Day 3 crying all the time, realizing I am terrified of my child ?!?! Eric back to work..
days are blurring about this point, I am not eating, always crying, waking up in a panic, I have to shower early in the am before eric is even up because the thought of waiting till he leaves has me terrorized, breastfeeding getting harder '- bad because Ky won't take a pacifier and wants to nurse constantly...more exhaustion...more tears...
get the picture?
So suddenly, my dream to be a stay at home mommy is becoming a nightmare.
Why am I terrified of my child? What am I so anxious? What am I breaking out in sweats at the thought of being alone with my child? and why, when my mom tells Ky "look, this is where you live!" is all I can think/scream in my head is "NO YOU DON'T LIVE HERE! This is all a bad dream!"
2 words define my experience with my babies: Post-Partum Depression.
They continue to take place in my life, reminding me of everything I lost...
more importantly though, they remind me of everything I have gained - understanding, wisdom, empathy, and a need to protect (my kids, my husband, my emotional, physical health and self)
So you see, it was always MY DREAM to stay home with my babies.
but I have also realized that sometimes dreams are forced to change...we have to adjust our plans...take care of our emotional selves...
in my case, I had to engage myself in the world - the presence of others - to keep myself from losing it ...
it isn't just ____'s dream...it was just my reality before it was ever her dream.
and on a side note - I work because it seems unfair to dump all responsibility for providing for the family on Eric...without helping in some way...his emotional health doesn't need that unfair stress...so i do something (part time for sure), but something to help relieve the stress on him...because at the end of the day, I have to take care of my husband above all - the kids can wait a minute ... because in my life it is:
God First
Eric Second
Kids Third.