I have struggled with writing this, because putting words to "paper" seems to personal, to fearful - it is releasing the pent up emotions of one's mind to the real possibility of misunderstanding...
I struggle with a low self-esteem, have for years...I constantly worry what others think of me ... do they even like me? I am afraid, by putting my thoughts/fears in writing, I will offend someone...but I am desperate, I feel so defeated...
I just had the biggest surgery of my life...a chapter of my life is glaringly over, and while I knew I was ready to move on, and knew that Kip was my last baby...it is hard to let go, it is hard to not cry...
I was in so much pain during the pregnancy, having him was supposed to be my "moving on time." Instead, I was smacked back down on my butt, with continued pain, etc...
My body suffered a lot through the delivery, large amounts of blood loss, multiple muscles tearing that weren't supposed to, my uterus being one of them...I haven't been able to take care of my family like I should, I have been tired, frustrated, discouraged, fearful and defeated. I had to change my thought process, my plans, the way I take care of my family, my house...
My whole sense of current "normal" changed suddenly...I graduated school, became a family of 5, had to take my certification boards, had to look for a job, had to have a HYSTERECTOMY at age 28!?!?!?
All this while dealing with an in-law situation from the pitts...I mean, really, since when was it ok to yell at your daughter-in-law in her own home just because you weren't getting your own way??? Since when is it ok to demand we do things the way you expected??
Yes, I am being brutally honest here...but I am frustrated and hurt.
I need a friend...I need my "friends" to have supported me through this - to call, to come by, to check up on me...to leave a kind comment, something...anything...
I needed someone to lean on, to be honest with, to not have to say "oh, we are doing alright."
I am trying to be grateful...I am alive, I have 3 beautiful, healthy children, I have God on my side...
I probably shouldn't have written this, but I am struggling. I needed to get it out, off my chest...I needed to let it out so I can try now to let it go...
